With Christmas awaiting, I wondered today: what was I doing a year ago. It wasn’t very conscious or active thinking, but every now and then I noticed my mind slipping away to places from before. Finally having some time for myself enables me to write these thoughts down.

I reckon that some day in December I had my PET-scan, not knowing that day was today. It was the 8th of December when I went for my final scan. The results would either bind me to another segment of treatment, starting with chemo after New Year’s Eve, or it would set me free until April, when later the first follow up would have been planned. The consequences of more treatment would have been rather nasty, since the more treating is done, the more body parts will never return to their proper state. While being afraid of the former results and logically wishing for the latter I went to the hospital exactly one year ago.

Now, the day was a disaster, some of it described in my 9th visit to the hospital (opens in a new window), but it was all worth it, because tomorrow I was going to hear the words that relieved me from the hospitalized life I was living. From the stress, anger and pain any of us undergoes when in treatment of the disease some much spoken off, so little with ease and comfort. I’d became a survivor instead of a patient - even though the type is chronic and can never be cured - which would give me hope and energy for the years to come.

And there I was. Being able to wear that green ribbon - for all lymphoma supporters, patients, friends and family - not only with pride, but also with compassion. With hope for other and understanding for all. During my treatment I conversed with Abby every now and then. There was a third girl - also of our age, who lived in Belgium, and sadly passed away the week I started treatment. Although I can not imagine how her parents must have felt - it hit us hard. She was one of the dearest people I never met, even inquiring how we, Abby and I, were doing, while she was dying after her Bone marrow transplantation. 

My condolences go to everyone she left behind. As to all others that were left by their loved ones. For her I will try my best to help any to overcome or cope with the dreadful disease.

New beginnings
With hope and energy comes change in life. Some people ask me if my life changed and here I am to say that it actually has - radically. Even though I was always energetic and positive, I stopped saying no to things I know I would enjoy and started saying yes to everything I aspired. With a financial situation at home, I chose to be left alone on this matter, so my sisters could study as I was able to and school moved to the fourth place of priorities, which now yielded as Family, Work, Fun, School. Life is just to short and I’ll elaborate on that in a few.

In January I started studying again - at least tried too as I was greatly being held back by my study-adviser. You see, I got reassigned to another adviser who didn’t know square about what was going on. But not being able to study at my fullest allowed me to do some other stuff instead. In fact, I now had loads of time left.

I started doing voluntary work for the LGBT youth community where I took on a marketing and communications function. The team was wonderful and gave me more spirit to take on bigger projects. I also got back into doing some voluntary work for Local Heroes Delft, a local media platform that seeks inspirational people and gives them a spotlight. A place to show their craft, their work and their creativity. This is especially helpful for those less fortunate, who would normally never be able to show their skill-set.

My boss gave me a generous raise and I started doing different kind of projects at work as well, enabling me to buy my own place in a few months. Next to that I started on art/dance/theater projects for events/parties/nightclubs. It’s seriously one of the most fun things to do.

When it comes to personality, I would like to elaborate on what I said earlier. People kept telling me - before […] - that I needed to think about my future. That it is important to work hard now to relax later. To not throw precious time and resources away. While I still believe this to be moderately true, I would like to say the following. While working for the future is important, You don’t want people to say: “(S)He would had a great life ahead.”. No, instead I loved it when they would say: “What a great life (s)he had.”. And this is my new mindset. My new guideline for living. You don’t want to waste time now to perhaps have it good later. You should enjoy life now to be able to enjoy time later.

The other thing that changed is that I don’t put energy in compromising feelings because I can’t stand someone. I used to try to be nice to everyone a long my path of life, but this is simply not possible and definitely not worth the energy and time. It’s not worth the inner pain yielded by the suppression of feelings near hatred, annoyance and disgust. When I can’t stand someone, I found myself feeling better just telling these individuals just that and be okay with it. They find it more comforting also, because pretending is almost never the solution.

For all those left
Many are still in treatment and with diagnosis getting better and better, many more will be in hospitals the coming years. Yes, you can overcome the pain. The feeling you are not going to make it. Yes, you can survive, even if it’s just for a few years before it comes back and you are starting all over. Appreciate the live you have now, because when you will leave - and eventually everyone will - you want people to praise the way you lived and not the way you might do in the future.

Support those that need it, even just by saying that you don’t know what to do. Be a little naive and trust a little bit more, but most of all, be humane and care regardless. You will find yourself in a happy place, as I have found mine.

That is all I can say for now, except for this last remark:

I will be living the next nine years or so to the fullest and beating the cancer again afterwards. Oh and when I officially are one year clean this April, I will celebrate and I hope you join me.

With love,

Derk-Jan